Kelly McCullough writes fantasy, science fiction, and books for kids of varying ages. He lives in Wisconsin with his physics professor wife and a small herd of cats. His novels include the, WebMage and Fallen Blade series — Penguin/ACE, School for Sidekicks, Magic, Madness, and Mischief, and Spirits, Spells, and Snark — Feiwel and Friends/Macmillan. His short fiction has appeared in numerous magazines and anthologies. He has Patreon and Ko-fi pages for those who are interested in supporting his work more directly. He also dabbles in science fiction as science education with The Chronicles of the Wandering Star — part of an NSF-funded science curriculum — and the science comic Hanny & the Mystery of the Voorwerp, which he co-authored and co-edited — funding provided by NASA and the Hubble Space Telescope. Kelly on Twitter, Facebook, G+, ello

Monday Meows

September 3, 2019 in Cat Things, Friday Cat Blogging, Pets and other friends

Did somebody mail order a box of condensed evil?

That would be me.

By the floofing of my tail something wicked this way mail.

How about a box of goofball?

I can work with that too.


Monday Meowby Dick

August 27, 2019 in Cat Things, Friday Cat Blogging, Pets and other friends

Call me Fishmeal!

Oh, ghods and monsters, he’s off again.

Serval ears ago – never mind how long prehensily

To be fair, he’s always off.

Says the cat carrying on a romance with a garden sculpture…

Having little or no money to parse, and noting particular interest in shore

Okay, you might have a point there.

Shuts I’z recitins!

Sadly, yes.

I thinked I’d sails about a little to see the whatevery parts of the world.

It’s like a train wreck, but without the cute bits.

Tis a way I haz of driving off the spleen—bad spleen, go wayz—

Also it regulates the circumcision.

I don’t think that word means what you think it means.

Whatvers. I finds self growing grime about the mouth in a…

damp, drizzly November of the soul

Okay, that’s it. You’re done. Everyone can go home now. Bye.

The Bully in my Brain

August 22, 2019 in About Kelly, Speaking Up

I have a bully who lives inside my head. He sits in the back of my brain and criticizes me.

He calls me names. Lazy. Fat. Talentless. Has-been. Sponge. Wannabe. Timid. Hack.

The bully comes and goes like most bullies, striking when he sees I’m weak or tired or when I’ve just had a setback.

The bully is incredibly clever. He knows just which words will hurt or scare me and when to use them.

My bully’s name is anxiety, or sometimes dysmorphia, or OCD. My bully lives in my head, but he is not me.

My bully is nothing more than a bit of errant biochemistry that got boosted along the way by various events in my life.

I can’t not hear him, but I don’t have to listen. I don’t have to treat what the bully says as if I were saying it.

My bully is no more me than my tendinitis or my allergies. He is something I have, not something I am.

When I remember that, when I separate the bully in my head from the me in my head it makes him weak and me strong.

I have a bully in my head. I can’t get him out and I can’t punch him in the nose, but I can deny him the power to call himself “me” and every time I do it is a victory.

Monday Meows

August 20, 2019 in Cat Things, Friday Cat Blogging, Pets and other friends

Nothing. No reason. Why do people keep asking about “evil” plans?

Surely, you can’t be serious.*

She’s a tortie, we are always serious, and don’t call us Shirley.*

Really. That’s the line you’re going with?**

Define “evil”, because I’m a little hazy on the whole good/evil thing.

Imagine every atom in your body exploding outward at the speed of light.

No, silly, that’s good/bad.*

I’m bad, I’m bad come on. You know I’m bad!

And, with that communique from Planet Jeeves, we conclude our broadcast.


*Extra (super-adoptable) kitties via Tabby’s Catfe

**Except for this dude. Bob Meowerly got his forever home already.

Monday Mes (1 time only, not a typo)

August 13, 2019 in About Kelly, Kelly Vs. Morning, Surreal

So, yesterday was my birthday, which means I didn’t do anything that looked like work, including Monday Meows (hangs head in shame). I did however dig out and photograph all my old IDs from 7th grade on and post those on Facebook. Because, why not? Here they are again in space I control better, now with added captions. Hopefully you will find them moderately entertaining and not complain too bitterly about missing out on my infinitely more adorable cats for a week.

OMFSM, I was sooo leeeetle.

It’s possible I’ve never been good at mornings…

Holy puberty, Batman. (I grew 9 inches in 3 month over the summer)

Look, ma, I’m a belated hippie.

Screw that peace and love stuff, the time for revolution is now!

Paging Mr Rasputin…

My hair, it’s making a break for it!

Maybe if I lean a little to my right I can get out of this picture…

I think I will call my new look “pirate punk” (I’m wearing a sash)

Why yes, I did just drive 14 hours overnight to get here, why do you ask?

Screw it, I’m tired of my hair trying to live on its own.

Hey, I think I’m just going to quit aging now.

Yeah, that’s it, I’m done, aging is boring.

Why do people keep asking me about a picture in the attic?

That portrait is _really_ is starting to look a little tattered.*

Last three photos are taken in 2003, 2011, and 2019


Monday Meows

August 6, 2019 in Cat Things, Friday Cat Blogging, Pets and other friends

Dis cat bed is kind of pointy and uncomfortable. I’z confuzzed.

I can’t believe he’s my brother.



Me and the evils I hang with are judging you.

Always remember dance like wherever you goes there you iz!

Adopted. I swear.

Monday Meows Tuesday Tuna Edition

July 31, 2019 in Cat Things, Friday Cat Blogging, Pets and other friends

Our love is a sacred thing.

Pretty sure that’s a rock.

Nope. This is a rock. A big ‘un too.

I don’t thin there were any cats in that picture at all.

I’m calling a meeting of the Committee for Feline Domination.

Sorry, napping. Can’t come.

I smell betrayal.

Nope. Naps take precedence. It’s in the charter, dude.


Monday Meows

July 23, 2019 in Cat Things, Friday Cat Blogging, Pets and other friends

Hey gurl…

No, dude. It’s, “hey girl…” in a completely non-awkward way, like this.

Yeah, that’s not awkward at _all_.

Nope. This. This is awkward.

So is this.

Yep. Totally awkward.

………..You got that right.







Monday Meows

July 16, 2019 in Cat Things, Friday Cat Blogging, Pets and other friends

I see what you’re doing down there.

We weren’t doing nothing.

Sure, I believe you.

Do you believe them?

I think not.

I don’t even know what we’re supposed to have done…

Nothing. No Reason. Certainly not this.

Have you ever really looked at your wrists?




Monday Meows

July 9, 2019 in Cat Things, Friday Cat Blogging, Pets and other friends

I did it, and I’m glad I did it, see.

Backing away slowly…

It’s mesmerizing…



We interupts dis program for defffs from avbove!

Dude, learn to spell.

That’s going to happen.

Time for post-defffs from avbove! napage.