Category: Cat Things

Dear Feline Collective Follow-Up

Re: ugly development in lapsharing negotiations.

It has come to management’s attention that already today the writer-in-residence has twice had, not one, but two cats taking up valuable lap space normally devoted to the means of writerly production (see laptop, Apple iBook G4).

Further it has come to management’s attention that resolution of which cat retained possession of said lap was resolved through hissing and intimidation. Once, blows were even exchanged. This is simply not acceptable and may actually result in demonstration by writer-in-residence that despite normal dominance protocols, writer-in-residence is in fact a larger predator, one who outweighs said cats by an order of magnitude.

Please take note of the fact that despite being a Cat Softie, with a capital CS, writer-in-residence has a very limited patience for anything that involves potential bleeding, and adjust your negotiating strategies accordingly.

Thank you,
The management

2013 P.S. The comment threads on the original versions of these posts have some really funny responses. See below for links.

(Originally published on the Wyrdsmiths blog February 1 2008, and original comments may be found there. Reposted and reedited as part of the reblogging project)

Dear Feline Collective

Re: Proposed change to new lapsharing arrangements/monopolization of space normally used for writing.

It has come to management’s attention that some sort of agreement has been reached amongst the feline members of the household in re: lapsharing (the process by which writer-in-residence lap time is arranged). Said agreement seems to involve a continuous rotation of laptime amongst the four younger cats, said rotation working not unlike a relay race.

While such feline cooperation is laudable in terms of the increased level of inter-feline amicability, it does have one rather severe drawback. To whit, displacement of the laptop belonging to the writer-in-residence. Which fact, in turn, causes a significant loss in potential productivity.

For more notes on same, see attached charts. Chart one maps the difficulty of typing whilst a cat is resting her head on the writer’s wrist (Isabelle). Chart two shows reduction in productivity directly related to cats frequently licking the thumb used to manipulate the trackball (Ashbless and Nutmeg). And, of course, chart three shows the total loss of productivity caused by the repeated smashing of a cat’s forehead into the nose of the writer-in-residence (Jordan). Please contrast this with the lack of impediments to productivity caused by laying in front of the heater some yards from the writer-in-residence’s place of writing (Leith) as outlined in chart four.

Management would very much like to see more laying about near the writer-in-residence during the hours of production and less laying on the writer-in-residence during those same hours. Management proposes an increased distribution of treats and decreased amount of abruptly dropping cats off of said lap to offset lost laptime. Further, management is open to other possible compensation to be proposed by the collective.

We eagerly await your response.

All best,
Management (speaking for the writer-in-residence)

(Originally published on the Wyrdsmiths blog January 31 2008, and original comments may be found there. Reposted and reedited as part of the reblogging project)

Dear Feline Collective

Re: Proposed change to feline barfing schedule/cancellation of the 4:00 a.m. bathroom hallway express.

Conceded: Religious/cultural significance of barfing for feline household members. Fish gotta swim. Birds gotta fly. Cats gotta barf.

Points of ongoing dispute unrelated to current negotiations: Comparative authority/ownership of all household assets (including human and feline members). Timing and availability of treats and other food items.

Proposed alternatives: Double barfing privileges at other times, increased snack flow, reduced death threats.

Relationship to writing: Decreased 4:00 a.m. barfing should result in increased sleeping and greater literary production, which will in turn lead to more funds available for indulgence of feline needs.

In closing: We are eagerly awaiting your response.

Thanks,
Kelly

(Originally published on the Wyrdsmiths blog Dec 20 2007, and original comments may be found there. Reposted and reedited as part of the reblogging project)