Kelly McCullough writes fantasy, science fiction, and books for kids of varying ages. He lives in Wisconsin with his physics professor wife and a small herd of cats. His novels include the WebMage and Fallen Blade series — Penguin/ACE, and the forthcoming School for Sidekicks — Feiwel and Friends/Macmillan. His short fiction has appeared in numerous magazines and anthologies. He also dabbles in science fiction as science education with The Chronicles of the Wandering Star — part of an NSF-funded science curriculum — and the science comic Hanny & the Mystery of the Voorwerp, which he co-authored and co-edited — funding provided by NASA and the Hubble Space Telescope. Kelly on Twitter, Facebook, G+, ello
Brain: Ooh ooh ooh!
Me: What? It’s three in the morning.
Brain: I figured out the whole unicorn thing.
Me: What? The? Hell?
Brain: No, it’s great.
Me: It’s not great, it’s three in the morning.
Brain: No, I’ve got this.
Me: All right, It’s obvious you won’t let me sleep. Tell me.
Brain: *assuming an erudite English accent* It’s the equinox!
Me: …the hell.
Brain: *in accent* You see, the mistake is easy. Vernal instead of virginal. Right?
Me: *blinking* Not sure where you’re going with this…
Brain: *in accent* And equinox. Equi meaning center and nox…well, it doesn’t mean horn, but it sounds like ox and oxes have horns. Easy mistake.
Me: *in accent* First, it’s oxen…oh gods, now I’m doing it.
Brain: *in accent* See! It makes perfect sense. Vernal equinox and virginal unicorns.
Me: Go back to sleep, brain.
Brain: *drops accent* Not till we tell Laura, she’s going to want to hear this.
Me: Not at three in the morning.
Brain: Sure she will.
Me: I may not be _good_ at self preservation but I’m pretty sure on this one.
Me: *sigh* All right, I promise I’ll jot it all down and we can tell her first thing in the morning.
Me: You’re asleep already aren’t you?
Addendum from a few hours later with Laura.
Me: *sighs* My fucking brain.
Her: That’d be a good autobiography title for you.
Fly, my steed! Run like the wind!
That is soooo undignified. Monkeys were made to bring food, not ride.
Also, you can eat them in case of emergency.
I am intrigued by your ideas. Do you perchance have recipes?
You can’t eat monkeys! They bring the duckies!
Also, as noted above, they make epic mounts!
Who needs a mount when you have this excellent frog launching pad?
Why the hell is there a frog in this story? Cats and caterpillars only, man!
I am skeptical of the caterpillar half of that statement…
On second thought, screw it, you do what you have to. Ima take a nap.
Again, thanks to Matt Kuchta, Mandy Little, Neil Gaiman, and Frogdor the Ribbinator for various guest appearances.
Hooray for Friday Caterpillar Blogging!
This isn’t going to end well…
I like caterpillars. They are delicious!
Dat not so bad.
What about frogs?
Frogs are also delicious!
I would not eat a frog. Not with a dog. Not in a bog.
Only if someone else catches it for me. Because I ain’t amovin.
Man, it’s a good thing cats are so lazy.
Not all cats!
Thanks to Matt Kuchta, Mandy Little, Neil Gaiman, and the Hot Tub Frog for various guest animals.
Is today the day for the competitive sleep off?
I don’t know, it’s too bright out to check the roster.
I’m going to throw down just in case. 3.2.1. zzzzz….
I call this one Cannonball Z
Dance party and sleep off in one move!
Did someone say dance party?
Oooh, I’m always in for dancing I’ve got the legs for it. 200 of them!
I’ve got the disco floor lit up!
Don’t ask me, I was hired for the sleep off, as a couch…
She’s behind me, isn’t she?
What the hell is with the frog?
I think something like this…
Cats are sooooooo weird.
She’s behind me again, I just know it.
That’s it, I’m going to watch something really surreal…
Like this Gratuitous Author Cream Pie Sequence:*
With thanks to Neil Gaiman, Matt Kuchta, and the ever game Laura McCullough,
Is it just me or is this gravity poorly adjusted?
I’m ready, I have feathers!
I’m not quite sure that’s how it works…
I am going to cling to the thumb-monkey just in case.
In proper cat household, thumb-monkey clings to you.
I think I will cling to this plate of tuna.
With thanks to Matt, Mandy, and Neil for the extra cats.